the way we present ourselves

My sister, who is the amazing mom of my beautiful two-year-old niece, recently told me about a discussion she had as part of her MOPs group. The message was that the way we represent ourselves and our lives to other moms has an impact on them, and this impact can be positive or negative. For example, have you ever gone to someone's house for a playdate and found it sparkling clean? If you're like me, you probably progress through amazement, disbelief, resignation, and then end up at inadequacy. Because my house is very rarely sparkling, and how does this mom do it, anyway???

So the idea is, be conscious of the image you present to your other mom friends, and try to be as real as possible. Maybe this means that you don't clean your house before your mom friends come over, because their house is most likely not clean, and seeing that yours is might make them feel like they're not doing enough. That is not the message any of us moms needs to hear. Let them see the real you, including the tantrums, the messy bed-head, the dusty piano, and the coupons your child has spent all week cutting and that are now all over the living room floor. Show them poop hanging from the ceiling, if you want. Let them see that you are not perfect, but that you are happy.

It's definitely a challenge for me to not clean before guests arrive. But with this message in mind, I've been ignoring the dusting and leaving some toys out on the floor when I know a mom is coming over. I've also been trying to keep in check the urge to make it seem like I'm on top of everything. Because I'm not, and no one else is either. And trying to pretend otherwise is not helpful to anyone.

finding your alloparents

I recently read the book Overwhelmed: Work, Love, and Play When No One Has the Time (Brigid Schulte, 2014), in which the author discusses the question of whether it makes sense for mothers to work. As a working mom, I've often thought it would make a lot more sense for me to be at home, taking a nap when my son napped, keeping up with the housework, and preparing dinner during the day instead of during the crazy 5:00 pm scramble.

Is it just natural for mothers to not work outside the home, in favor of caring for children? In the book, Brigid Schulte explores this question with Sarah Blaffer Hrdy, evolutionary anthropologist and professor emeritus at University of California, Davis.

Hrdy studied a hunter-gatherer tribe in Kalahari Desert in Africa and found that women often worked, either taking their children with them while gathering food, or leaving them at home with alloparents - fathers, older siblings, grandparents, relatives, and other trusted, nurturing adults. Based on these observations, Hrdy concluded that "it's natural for mothers to work. It's natural for mothers to take care of their children... What's unnatural is for mothers to be the sole caretaker of children. What's unnatural is not to have more support for mothers." This applies both to mothers who work outside the home and those who stay home. 

"Women are just as prone as other apes to worry about the well-being of new babies. But what hunter-gatherer mothers do not do postpartum is refuse to let anyone else come near or hold their baby. This is an important difference... Babies are never left alone and are constantly held by someone, but that someone is not invariably the mother" (Sarah Blaffer Hrdy, Mothers and Others).

This discussion resonates with me. The issue is not that mothers shouldn't work, but that working parents have a lot on their plates and not enough support. Similarly, mothers shouldn't be expected to be the sole childcare provider. Incorporating alloparents into our families can help. 

Alloparents can be used to care for children while parents are working or to give parents a break outside of working hours. For the rest of this discussion, I'm going to focus on using alloparents during non-working hours or for stay-at-home parents, because that's what I find most challenging. 

I see the process of incorporating alloparents into our lives as consisting of three steps:

1. Decide what level of support you need. Maybe you need a couple of hours to yourself once a week, or to go on a weekly date with your spouse. Maybe you need someone to watch the kids while you make dinner. Only you know what you need.
2. Identify potential alloparents. It can be a challenge to identify suitable, available alloparents. Here are some potential options to consider:
• Grandparents 
• Older siblings
• Non-immediate relatives, such as aunts, uncles, and cousins
• Teenagers who live in your neighborhood
• Church members - our church has a group of seniors who offer babysitting support to families with young children
• Childcare at the gym or church - take advantage of these services to give yourself a short break
• Other moms - arrange a kid swap once a week and alternate weeks so you each get a break
• Fathers - Many fathers are already highly engaged in the care of their children, but it might still be possible for your husband to watch the kids while you go out by yourself for an hour to recharge
3. Let go. When my son was young, I was very reluctant to let anyone I didn't know watch him. Some mothers even have trouble trusting their husbands to take care of their children. But in order for alloparents to effectively relieve the burden of parents, we have to let go and trust that our children will be ok. Because they will. My husband and I have a 14-year-old neighbor who watches our son every other week so we can go out to dinner together, and she does a great job. She even washes the dishes (!!!).

So here is my challenge to you: find some alloparents and put them to use!

put your child to work

I feel like there is some pressure these days for parents to always be focusing on their child and only doing activities that the child wants to do. 

I like to play with my son. But I also like to get stuff done. I think it's fine for a parent to do their chores while a child plays by himself / herself or, even better, helps out. Learning how to do chores around the house is such a great life skill! My son's confidence grow with each successfully completed task.

Cleaning our house together can be a really enjoyable activity. I think it feels great to get a handle on the chaos, and my son is usually happy to join in. It works best when I give him the option of helping rather than request or demand his help. He can decide if he wants to help me or go play by himself for a few minutes. I also give him tasks that I know he can do and will enjoy, such as spraying or organizing things. And as long as I keep my expectations at an appropriate level, it works out well. Now that I think about it, the biggest benefit to having him help me, other than the joy of his presence and funny sense of humor, is probably that he isn't busy destroying one room while I'm cleaning another.

Anyway, here are a few tasks he's helped me with lately:

Taking his plate to the kitchen after a meal. He's been doing this for about a year now. It was a major struggle at first, but now he sometimes does it without my even reminding him. (Hurrah!)

Cleaning the bathrooms. He always likes to spray stuff.

Washing the walls. (Sorry this one is out of focus, I just got so excited!)

Washing the floors. Might as well, while we're at it.

Taking out the recycling. He has a system where he sorts through every piece of mail while putting them in the recycling bin. He has also set up a separate glass collection bin, for safety, and plastic bag collection.

 

 

And remember those videos that I vowed not to clean up? Well, check it out: my son cleaned them up (in return for a favor he asked of me. There's no shame in bribery, people!). And he did a great job of organizing them by size.

 

 

Ready to get started? Here is a great printable with age-appropriate chores for kids. A good rule of thumb is one daily chore per year of the child's age.

why i love 3

I love the age three. Love, love, love it. Three is the new two. Honestly, I've loved every age my son has been so far, and each one has been my new favorite. Here's why I love three:

• The conversations. My son is now capable of holding really fun conversations. He has a great imagination and sense of humor, balanced by a firm grasp of reality - if you express anxiety about not knowing how to drive his imaginary train, he's likely to remind you that it's not real, after all (i.e., don't worry, you silly grown-up).
• The affection. He has such a kind heart and gives me kisses, hugs, and pats. And he still allows me to smother him in kisses. Sometimes.
• The activities. He can ride a bike! He likes to hike! He has an insatiable appetite for books! His interests and abilities are expanding exponentially. I also enjoy seeing his emerging artistic side when we do crafts.
• The cuteness. He's still got just a hint of baby left in him, and I love it.

things I have going for me

Parenting a three-year-old is an adventure filled with beautiful, heart-touching moments. And moments when I feel myself searching for the last dregs of patience in my being. In spite of the daily challenges, I feel my son's love and admiration every day, and it's wonderful to be special to a little person like him. I know the relationship we have right now is going to change, and he won't always wrap his little body around my leg and say "Aww, I yuzz you" on a daily basis. Discipline is also likely to change. For the moment, I'm thankful that I have a few things going for me that make this whole adventure feasible.

1. I can read. This is not only the kind of skill that inspires a sense of awe, but also makes me useful to have around. My son like to have books read to him at bedtime, of course, but he also likes to have things like his Thomas the Train catalog posters and toy construction equipment labels translated for him.
2. I'm taller than him. So while he can help himself to boxes of cereal in the pantry whenever he wants (which is often, and preferably when we're busy doing something else), he can't yet reach the freezer and get those goodies he really likes, like Creamsicles and Mini Magnums. This allows me to make sure he's getting proper nutrition and not just helping himself to treats all the time. A side benefit is that there is a special feeling one has for the person who gives you delicious frozen desserts.
3. I am so very loveable. I am cuddly and fun, and I push him in the swing for hours. And play Legos and provide voices for all of his toys (remember this one?). Of course, my son spends the vast majority of his time with three people: my husband, me, and his aunt (who is also his nanny), so his options for picking and choosing who he likes are pretty limited. But let's not talk about that. He expresses his love in such an endearing way, it warms my heart and makes the difficult times worth it.
4. I can still pick him up. If someone is giving you the business, it sure is nice to be able to physically pick them up and place them in something (i.e., a crib) that they can't get out of until you are satisfied they have learned their lesson. It's unfortunate that I can't do that with, well, anyone else who disagrees with me.
5. I know how to operate the computer, television, and Wii. And he doesn't...yet. He is scarily close to understanding how to use a mouse, and he is already better at using my phone and tablet than I am. I'm so not prepared to face this plugged-in world that kids and parents have to deal with today, but for now, I can put those worries off for another day.
6. I am hilarious. Since having a kid, I've become an expert at slapstick comedy. He also thinks it's hysterical when I mispronounce a word (usually after trying to figure out what he has said). I remember from my own childhood that this sure doesn't last long, so I'm getting all the belly laughs out of him that I can right now. 

motherhood is a workout

As I was lying in bed at 5 am the other morning, taking a few more moments before joining my son in the living room to play with Legos, I thought about the fact that I don't exercise. At all. I don't go to the gym, or run, or ride my bike. I don't do yoga or swim laps. I certainly don't do sit-ups. What do I do all day, anyway? And why am I so tired at 8 pm?? That's when I realized that motherhood is, in itself, a workout. My days are full of exercise.   Here are some of my typical physical activities during a day at home.  

Exercise	What It Really Means	Calories Burned1,2	Notes
Dead lift 30 lbs, 25 reps	Lift child up to look through window at Jiffy Lube, onto changing table, in and out of car and shopping cart, etc.	177/hr	Proper technique with this lift involves not bonking child’s head on roof of car while putting them into carseat. [Oops…]
Hand/wrist strength training, 30 min	Push child in swing	177/hr	Am I the only one who feels the burn? Seriously.
Walking, brisk pace, 20 min	Walk through grocery store as fast as you can while pushing ginormous cart that looks like a racecar, which you picked to keep your child happy for as long as possible while you frantically grab whatever groceries you can while he/she is still behaving, which is not going to be that much longer, I’ve got a ticking time bomb in my cart, so get out of my way, lady in a scooter!!	354/hr	For extra calories burned and an arm workout, carry your child while pushing the ginormous cart. Of course, you’d have to be crazy to try this. At this point, I’d just call it a day and pay for whatever I’d accumulated by that point.
Lift and carry 30 lbs, 3 reps	Unload groceries	177/hr
Walking, slow pace, 30 min	Walk down street while child rides bike	118/hr
Walking, moderate pace, carrying 16-24 lbs, 10 min	Carry child’s bike back to your house	354/hr	If you like pain, carry the bike AND your child. If you don’t like pain but your child has refused to walk, just know that you are getting good aerobic conditioning. (Ha! Tell that to my burning arms.)
Aerobics, 30 min	Wild dancing in the living room	413/hr
Full-body circuit, 30 min	Cook meal / wash dishes	236/hr
Wrestling, 15 min	Carry a screaming, kicking, 30-lb child to bed and put on their pajamas	354/hr	I know this one is a stretch. Just go with it.

1. Calories burned were liberally interpreted from http://www.nutristrategy.com/activitylist4.htm.
2. I am not a medical professional, sports expert, or any other person who might actually know anything about exercise and calories. I am simply a mom trying to justify not exercising.

Based on the table above, I estimate I burn approximately 800,000,000 calories (I rounded up) every day just for normal mothering activities. I think I’ll have an extra serving of dessert tonight.

don't panic

My son and I went on vacation together for the first time! We flew to my parents' house. On our flight there, we had free internet, and we were able to read books and watch Thomas the Train on my tablet. In spite of my pre-flight anxiety, it was a breeze. I'd even go so far as to call it an enjoyable experience. Now that my son is almost three, he's able to sit for long periods of time (3 hours on our flight) and listens well (except for one escape to look at the planes out the window, he was careful to stay close to me in the airport). So we played, did some travel activities, and looked at everything through our plane window. Piece of cake.

On the flight home, I wasn't quite as prepared. I was counting on having internet again and being able to access Netflix, neither of which really worked out. I tried troubleshooting after troubleshooting, with no luck. The airline's internet troubleshooting page said, "Don't worry, we'll get you online in no time!" Don't worry?? Did they have parents in mind when they wrote that? Because I was in major panic mode. My son was waiting as patiently as anyone could expect a tired toddler to wait, but in that kind of situation, there's no telling how long you have before the poor child has a complete meltdown. I don't know how many times he told me it was "taking a long long time."

Finally, I told him to lie down and close his eyes, and that I'd have something ready for him when he woke up. After protesting for a short time, he did just that. And slept until we landed.

Lesson Learned #1: Be prepared. Count on nothing.
Lesson Learned #2: Just chill. It will be ok.

my judgmental mind

At church a few weeks ago, there was a woman a few rows ahead of us who was holding her son. The only thing is, her son looked like he might be old enough to read.

Having just finished How Much is Enough (Clarke, Dawson, Bredehoft), I was on high alert for overindulgence. To me, this looked like a clear case. I felt sympathy for this woman, whose back must have been breaking from the weight of this child. The child himself was staring back at me, almost smirking. I felt like he wanted to say to me, "Ha, ha, look what I got my mom to do, even though I'm waaaay too old."

Why was this mom doing this to herself? Why had she allowed herself to be manipulated by her child? I had a lot of ideas about how she could have prevented this overindulgence from happening, for the benefit of both of them.

Just as I was getting caught up in a wave of judgment, I realized something that stopped me in my tracks: this woman was just doing the best she could to be a good mom. Why was I judging her? She was swaying back and forth and singing to the music. She looked very happy. Her son seemed happy and was behaving perfectly in the church service, a place I cannot imagine bringing my own son yet. She and her son seemed to have a strong, loving bond. Why did I think I knew better than she did how to raise her son?

At this point, I had already stopped judging people's decisions on sleeping arrangements. My son has not been the best sleeper, and I know that there are times when life as a parent is just pure survival. I've done things I never thought I would do, just to get a few hours of sleep. I've let him sleep in my bed or on the floor in my room. I've crawled in bed with him. It's hard when your child doesn't sleep well, so if a family has found something that works for them, I'm certainly not going to judge them.

This experience at church made me want to expand my non-judgmental-ness to issues other than sleeping. If a parent is acting out of love toward their child, treating them kindly, and having their best interests in mind, I don't want to judge them.

I find that the hardest judgments to stop are not related to others, but to myself. I judge myself for letting my son sleep in my bed occasionally. I judge myself for letting him watch tv when I'm trying to make dinner on a weeknight. I agonize over the last time I lost my temper with my son and replay it over and over in my head, asking how it happened and seeing the look on his face.

Parenting is hard. So hard sometimes. And as much as we want to, we can't be perfect parents all the time. We get tired, and stressed, and things just don't go the way we want them to. Sometimes it all falls apart. I think it's ok. This is life. Just like that woman at church, I'm just doing the best I can to be a good mom. I'm doing my best, and I need to let myself see that that's a beautiful thing.

the highs and lows of parenting a toddler

My son is almost three. I can't believe it! This is such a fun age. We have the most hilarious, insightful, thoughtful conversations. It's also such a frustrating age. Why can't he just do what I ask him to??

I find that our days are full of highs and lows. Here are a few.

High: He can really help around the house now. He loves to vacuum. He loves to clean windows. Yesterday, he became obsessed with picking up his toys. Hurrah!

Low: He wants to help with everything. Mama's sewing? Let me help by pulling everything out of the sewing box. You need these pinking shears? How about this tomato-shaped pin cushion? What can I cut with these ultra-sharp sewing scissors?

High: He's getting really good at holding conversations and making logical arguments. Here's an example:
    
     C: I don't like this book anymore. I want to give it to somebody else.
     Me: Ok.
     C: Probably they will just give it back to us.
     Me: Why?
     C: Because this book isn't very fun.
     Me: Probably someone will like it.
     C: [Thinks] ... Maybe old people.
     Me: [Laughs] Maybe.
     C: Our neighbors are old. We could give it to them.

Low: For no apparent reason, while we are watching "Thomas the Train," he turns to me with a terrifying grimace on his face and pinches / pushes / tries to otherwise maim me. "Mama, does that hurt you?" he asks, innocently. Uh, yes. Yes, it does.

High: Periodically throughout the day, he turns to me and says, "Mama, I love you."

Low: Mr. Giraffe displaces me on the pillow next to my son at bedtime. "Give Mr. Giraffe more room, Mama," he says, as he pushes me practically off the bed. At least I know where I rank.

High: When he realizes I'm really leaving for the night, he wraps his arms around my neck and gives me the tightest hug, like he can hardly bear not to see me for the next 8 hours.

a little boy gets a family

About eight months ago, I fell in love with a little boy named Tavin. Tavin has a condition called "arthrogryposis" and has lived almost his entire life in an orphanage in Ukraine. I saw his sweet face and wanted so badly to bring him home to live with us. My heart ached for him every night as I tucked my son into bed, knowing that Tavin had no parent to kiss him goodnight or read him a bedtime story.

Although the timing wasn't right for us to adopt Tavin, I am so, so glad to announce that Tavin has a family! There is one less orphan in the world. His sweet, loving family has just returned from their journey to adopt him. You can read about it here: http://daffodilsandearthworms.blogspot.com/

Our friends adopted a little boy from the same orphanage last year. Their adoption journey was so inspiring and uplifting, and their little boy is thriving in their home. It is truly amazing what a difference a family makes.

In spite of all this joy, my heart still breaks for the many other children who are still living in orphanages. Many of these orphanages have good intentions, but their resources are just so limited that they don't come close to meeting these children's needs, especially if the children have special needs. For proper development, children need things like physical touch, being held, and stimulating activities. They need eye contact. These are very basic needs, and they aren't being met. Children don't receive the stimulation and love they need to thrive as they would in a family environment. 

The prospects for these children are quite grim: if they survive to the age when they are released from institutional care, their chances of living on the streets and getting involved with drugs and crime are high.

It's hard to find out just how many children are living in orphanages. This in itself is troubling to me. These aren't rare trees we're talking about, which just haven't been fully counted yet because they're hard to find and no one has taken the time to do it yet - we're talking about children here.

If you made it all the way through that, I want to say thank you. What do I want you to do with this information? I don't know. I'm still trying to figure out how I want to approach this topic in the context of my life and my family. I know it's something that touches me deeply. Think about it. Let it percolate. If it touches you, too, then consider doing something. There are many ways to help.

Want to find out more?

Check out Reece's Rainbow, which connects children with special needs with adoptive families.

Watch Ukraine's Forgotten Children, a BBC documentary about orphanages in Ukraine, available on YouTube.

Visit SOS Children's Villages, which is working to strengthen families to keep children in the care of their own parents, and to ensure quality care for children who cannot be cared for by their biological family.

Read this blog and this blog about other families who have adopted. Adoption is a hard and beautiful journey for the child and the adoptive families.

Read The Connected Child, by Karyn Purvis, which describes the effects that life in an orphanage can have on a child's development, and how to deal with some of these challenges.

concentration

I just finished reading "Montessori: The Science Behind the Genius" (Angeline Stoll Lillard), and I've been thinking about one of the topics discussed in the book: concentration. One of the primary objectives of the Montessori method is to help children develop the ability to concentrate on tasks, which is thought to enhance learning.  It makes sense to me that you can gain a greater understanding of something if you can delve deeply into it. The quote that caught my attention is that "once concentration is established, the teacher must endeavor not to disturb the child." So once a child has gotten focused on something, the teacher's job is simply to make sure the child is not interrupted so they can fully immerse themselves in their task.

Concentrating on his work

Personally, I find concentration to be difficult. At work, I'm distracted from what I'm working on by phone calls, e-mails, interruptions by coworkers, and meetings (and maybe some blogs I haven't checked since, like, an hour ago).

At home, both my toddler and my smartphone almost constantly demand that my attention shift from one thing to the next.  It seems to me that, over time, this type of distracted-attention lifestyle has reduced my ability to concentrate.  The result is that now it's not just that I don't have the time to focus on something, but that when I do have the time, my mind wanders so easily. I'm always thinking about what's next or what else I should be doing or what I need to add to the grocery list.

How important is the ability to concentrate?  I consider it to be very important. I want to have conversations with people where my mind doesn't start to wander as soon as they start talking about themselves. I want to be able to develop the kind of knowledge that comes from studying something deeply. I want to immerse myself in something so completely that everything around me falls away, leaving only me and my task. I want to really focus on my son while we are playing together and be present in the moment. For me, concentration is both life-enriching and immensely enjoyable.

So how does one increase one's ability to concentrate? I don't know. Montessori school is probably not an option for me. Meditation? More time spent on activities that inspire concentration in me?  Coffee?

I feel I could take a lesson from my son, who dives headfirst into concentration on a daily basis. When something sparks his interest, he doesn't put it off until he's done with some half-completed chore. He gets down to business with complete focus, and there are few things that can distract him from his task. He takes the time he needs, and when he's satisfied with his work, he puts it down and moves on.

What do you think? When do you concentrate the best?

i did nothing

The other day, I got home early from work and had a couple of extra hours before dinner. Here's what I wanted to do:
- Start the laundry
- Put away the clean dishes
- Read the mail
- Download photos from my camera

Here's what I got done:
- Nothing.

Or a lot, actually. My son and I played outside for two straight hours. Here's what we did:
- Read a book, slowly and in detail, and discussed it
- Jumped up and down
- Made funny faces at Bumpa through the window
- Ran away from our backyard "alligator," a.k.a. the grilling tongs
- Hugs, kisses, and tickles
- Got mad, had timeout, gave mutual apologies
- More hugs, kisses, and tickles
- Threw a new bouncy ball for my son to catch while in his swing
- Pretended to get knocked over by said swing (this joke never gets old)
- Sang "Happy Birthday to Me" and a song about spoons that my son taught me
- Laughed. A lot.

It's so hard for me to put aside my to-do list. But when I do, I end up with so much more than a clean kitchen or a check mark on my list. At the end of those two hours, my heart was filled with joy and love.

I took three photos during our afternoon of fun. They were all terrible. My son was too busy making the "alligator" pick up the bouncy ball to pose with me. So I put the camera away and got back to doing everything important.

spontaneous spring bunnies

It was raining last Saturday, so I decided a craft was in order.  The idea of making Spring bunnies got his attention.

This was definitely a spontaneous activity. I didn't have a plan or any materials prepared. I had a vague idea of what a bunny looks like, and that's about it. I started grabbing stuff out of our pantry and craft bins, trying to pull something together before he lost interest altogether. Paper plates, colored paper, googly eyes, glitter glue- check!

And you know what? It worked out. We both had a blast. I sincerely admire those creative ladies who plan, organize, and put so much thought into the activities they do with their kids. I love their blogs, their wonderful craft ideas, and their amazing photos. I usually plan our activities, too. But there is also nothing wrong with the grab-and-go method. As long as I'm spending good quality time with my son and providing him with different experiences and materials to work with, I'm happy.

He really loved the glitter glue. It was easy for him to use, and the colors were fantastic. And it was less messy than regular glitter.

 Let's pause for hand sanitizer.

More glitter glue.

When he got one bunny done, he asked to make another. (Success!)

I made the ears and stapled them on where he told me to put them, but he did the rest. I'm so proud of him!

i'm afraid it won't come up

My son and I planted paper white bulbs the other day.

A week later, here is what mine look like:

 

And here is what his looks like:

 

Nothing. At all. What kind of mom sets her child up for horticultural failure?
 

 

When I ask him if he wants to water his flower, he looks confused and asks, "Mom, where mine flower?" Touché, Little Man. Where is your flower, indeed.

In all fairness, my bulbs were planted last year and flowered a couple times, while his was an extra that didn't fit in the pot, so it has spent quite a few months in a box in the laundry room. This all started when I noticed that my bulbs were starting to grow again. They were also in the laundry room. How they managed to grow in the absence of natural light and water is unknown to me, because I've always heard those are important. Perhaps it is a miracle.

Another miracle is what we need here, my friends. I'm having daily panic attacks à la "The Carrot Seed": you know, the book where the little boy plants a carrot seed and everyone tells him "it won't come up." What if nothing ever grows from his bulb? Will he be devastated? Will he even notice? Should I replace the bulb with one of mine, or use it as an opportunity to talk about how things don't always work out?

 

Maybe it doesn't even matter. This sweet boy is so proud of himself for successfully pouring water from a measuring cup onto his bulb. And that's enough for me.