solitude: what happens when you're alone with your thoughts?

Before we were married, Mr. Wonderful and I took a 400-mile bike ride through Alberta and Montana. We were together the whole time, but the reality was that we rode single-file for the majority of each day. There were snack breaks, scenery to admire, and terrifying descents, but there was also a lot of time for nothing but being alone. I don't think I had ever had that much time with nothing but my thoughts to occupy me. It was interesting. It wasn't always pretty, or comfortable. Sometimes I was worried or anxious. Sometimes I came up with coping strategies, ways to ignore my thoughts. Sometimes I composed articles for our local biking magazine in my head as I rode. Sometimes I just gave in to my thoughts and rode the waves. Sometimes I cracked myself up.

 

I find that I rarely just sit with my thoughts. So much of the time, I reach for something to occupy me when I'm alone: a book, tv, my phone. When my son was a newborn, he would only nap when we were holding him, and sometimes I wouldn't think to grab the tv remote, my phone, or a book before he fell asleep, and then I wouldn't want to disturb him by moving (at all). So I would sit on the couch, for hours sometimes, with nothing to do but stare out the window, watch the clouds move across the sky and the leaves rustle in the wind. I termed this the "Zen of Parenting." It was frustrating at times, but it also felt calming to spend my time this way. I could think about things, instead of cramming more things into my head or zoning out watching tv.

It seems to me that there is something good about making time for idle thoughts. For creating space to let our minds wander. I don't know why, exactly; it's just a feeling I have. In my life, moments like this are scarce. Even during the shortest time periods between activities, I feel the need to be entertained or get something accomplished. Why? Are my chores really that important? Is boredom really so awful? Is being alone with my thoughts really so uncomfortable?

Your turn: Do you allow yourself time to be alone with your thoughts?

solitude

I just finished reading Gift from the Sea, by Anne Morrow Lindbergh. It's a small and unassuming book, blue with a picture of a shell on the front. It was written in 1955, and in the author's world, men go to work and women are homemakers. Sound outdated? For me, right now, it is so very timely.

I recently read a chapter about how our roles affect how and where we spend our energy. For example, men use their energy in creative ways at work, while women's days are consumed with the often-tedious tasks of maintaining a household and raising children.

I thought at first that I couldn't relate to the woman the author described, since I work outside the home. But then I realized - I work all day, and then when I get home, I do all the things she describes as a woman's role. This absolutely applies to me.

Both men and women can be drained by their day-to-day responsibilities, but the effect tends to be stronger for women. Why? The author says that "all her instinct as a woman - the eternal nourisher of children, of men, of society - demands that she give. Her time, her energy, her creativeness drain out into these channels if there is any chance, any leak." Through all her giving, woman finds her resources depleted.

How do we nourish ourselves and ensure that we have the energy and spirit to perform our daily tasks? By spending time alone. And by directing our energy during our time alone toward activities that inspire, fulfill, and energize us.

By spending time alone "sometime during the year, some part of each week, and each day."

For me, this is huge. Ms. Lindbergh is giving us permission to take time to ourselves. Every day. Every week. And every year. It's not only allowed, it's essential to our health, happiness, and well-being.

This time alone isn't for doing something like taking a shower or washing the dishes. It's for doing something relaxing, inspiring, or energizing. Something enjoyable. Something that is just for you.

Since my son was born, almost three years ago, I've had a hard time allowing myself to take time for myself. But I'm starting to change that. Last weekend, I went to the library and Whole Foods by myself. Yes, it was still a chore as opposed to something purely relaxing, but it's a step in the right direction. And it was pretty exhilarating to linger in the aisles of Whole Foods for as long as I wanted to. I'm also carving out time for writing blog posts, which I find incredibly rewarding and energizing.

Your turn: how do you make time for yourself?

concentration

I just finished reading "Montessori: The Science Behind the Genius" (Angeline Stoll Lillard), and I've been thinking about one of the topics discussed in the book: concentration. One of the primary objectives of the Montessori method is to help children develop the ability to concentrate on tasks, which is thought to enhance learning.  It makes sense to me that you can gain a greater understanding of something if you can delve deeply into it. The quote that caught my attention is that "once concentration is established, the teacher must endeavor not to disturb the child." So once a child has gotten focused on something, the teacher's job is simply to make sure the child is not interrupted so they can fully immerse themselves in their task.

Concentrating on his work

Personally, I find concentration to be difficult. At work, I'm distracted from what I'm working on by phone calls, e-mails, interruptions by coworkers, and meetings (and maybe some blogs I haven't checked since, like, an hour ago).

At home, both my toddler and my smartphone almost constantly demand that my attention shift from one thing to the next.  It seems to me that, over time, this type of distracted-attention lifestyle has reduced my ability to concentrate.  The result is that now it's not just that I don't have the time to focus on something, but that when I do have the time, my mind wanders so easily. I'm always thinking about what's next or what else I should be doing or what I need to add to the grocery list.

How important is the ability to concentrate?  I consider it to be very important. I want to have conversations with people where my mind doesn't start to wander as soon as they start talking about themselves. I want to be able to develop the kind of knowledge that comes from studying something deeply. I want to immerse myself in something so completely that everything around me falls away, leaving only me and my task. I want to really focus on my son while we are playing together and be present in the moment. For me, concentration is both life-enriching and immensely enjoyable.

So how does one increase one's ability to concentrate? I don't know. Montessori school is probably not an option for me. Meditation? More time spent on activities that inspire concentration in me?  Coffee?

I feel I could take a lesson from my son, who dives headfirst into concentration on a daily basis. When something sparks his interest, he doesn't put it off until he's done with some half-completed chore. He gets down to business with complete focus, and there are few things that can distract him from his task. He takes the time he needs, and when he's satisfied with his work, he puts it down and moves on.

What do you think? When do you concentrate the best?

i did nothing

The other day, I got home early from work and had a couple of extra hours before dinner. Here's what I wanted to do:
- Start the laundry
- Put away the clean dishes
- Read the mail
- Download photos from my camera

Here's what I got done:
- Nothing.

Or a lot, actually. My son and I played outside for two straight hours. Here's what we did:
- Read a book, slowly and in detail, and discussed it
- Jumped up and down
- Made funny faces at Bumpa through the window
- Ran away from our backyard "alligator," a.k.a. the grilling tongs
- Hugs, kisses, and tickles
- Got mad, had timeout, gave mutual apologies
- More hugs, kisses, and tickles
- Threw a new bouncy ball for my son to catch while in his swing
- Pretended to get knocked over by said swing (this joke never gets old)
- Sang "Happy Birthday to Me" and a song about spoons that my son taught me
- Laughed. A lot.

It's so hard for me to put aside my to-do list. But when I do, I end up with so much more than a clean kitchen or a check mark on my list. At the end of those two hours, my heart was filled with joy and love.

I took three photos during our afternoon of fun. They were all terrible. My son was too busy making the "alligator" pick up the bouncy ball to pose with me. So I put the camera away and got back to doing everything important.