finding your alloparents

I recently read the book Overwhelmed: Work, Love, and Play When No One Has the Time (Brigid Schulte, 2014), in which the author discusses the question of whether it makes sense for mothers to work. As a working mom, I've often thought it would make a lot more sense for me to be at home, taking a nap when my son napped, keeping up with the housework, and preparing dinner during the day instead of during the crazy 5:00 pm scramble.

Is it just natural for mothers to not work outside the home, in favor of caring for children? In the book, Brigid Schulte explores this question with Sarah Blaffer Hrdy, evolutionary anthropologist and professor emeritus at University of California, Davis.

Hrdy studied a hunter-gatherer tribe in Kalahari Desert in Africa and found that women often worked, either taking their children with them while gathering food, or leaving them at home with alloparents - fathers, older siblings, grandparents, relatives, and other trusted, nurturing adults. Based on these observations, Hrdy concluded that "it's natural for mothers to work. It's natural for mothers to take care of their children... What's unnatural is for mothers to be the sole caretaker of children. What's unnatural is not to have more support for mothers." This applies both to mothers who work outside the home and those who stay home. 

"Women are just as prone as other apes to worry about the well-being of new babies. But what hunter-gatherer mothers do not do postpartum is refuse to let anyone else come near or hold their baby. This is an important difference... Babies are never left alone and are constantly held by someone, but that someone is not invariably the mother" (Sarah Blaffer Hrdy, Mothers and Others).

This discussion resonates with me. The issue is not that mothers shouldn't work, but that working parents have a lot on their plates and not enough support. Similarly, mothers shouldn't be expected to be the sole childcare provider. Incorporating alloparents into our families can help. 

Alloparents can be used to care for children while parents are working or to give parents a break outside of working hours. For the rest of this discussion, I'm going to focus on using alloparents during non-working hours or for stay-at-home parents, because that's what I find most challenging. 

I see the process of incorporating alloparents into our lives as consisting of three steps:

1. Decide what level of support you need. Maybe you need a couple of hours to yourself once a week, or to go on a weekly date with your spouse. Maybe you need someone to watch the kids while you make dinner. Only you know what you need.
2. Identify potential alloparents. It can be a challenge to identify suitable, available alloparents. Here are some potential options to consider:
• Grandparents 
• Older siblings
• Non-immediate relatives, such as aunts, uncles, and cousins
• Teenagers who live in your neighborhood
• Church members - our church has a group of seniors who offer babysitting support to families with young children
• Childcare at the gym or church - take advantage of these services to give yourself a short break
• Other moms - arrange a kid swap once a week and alternate weeks so you each get a break
• Fathers - Many fathers are already highly engaged in the care of their children, but it might still be possible for your husband to watch the kids while you go out by yourself for an hour to recharge
3. Let go. When my son was young, I was very reluctant to let anyone I didn't know watch him. Some mothers even have trouble trusting their husbands to take care of their children. But in order for alloparents to effectively relieve the burden of parents, we have to let go and trust that our children will be ok. Because they will. My husband and I have a 14-year-old neighbor who watches our son every other week so we can go out to dinner together, and she does a great job. She even washes the dishes (!!!).

So here is my challenge to you: find some alloparents and put them to use!