going to the moon

My son recently read a book where one of the characters turns his house into a rocket and jets off to the moon. He thinks this is a great idea and is full of complicated plans for us to do the same. He has, however, thus far been thwarted by the logistics of such an endeavor.

 

His initial thought was to use our inflatable pool as our rocket, since it is already equipped with four seats, meaning that all three of us and his aunt could go together. We would pack lunch and probably dinner, since we would likely want to stay in outer space for a while. However, the pool doesn't have seatbelts, and he wasn't sure how to make them, so this plan has been abandoned.

 

His next step was to do a little research into space travel. He and his aunt got some books at the library and read up on the moon, space, and the planets. They painted pictures of the solar system. They talked about how long it would take to get to other planets.

 

The solar system

 

Thus equipped with all the knowledge of space travel that was available in the children's section of our local library, he resumed construction. The new plan was to turn our house into a rocket using materials we already have on hand. I found him poking a chunk of concrete in the backyard. "Mom," he said, "is this the right kind of metal to make a rocket?" Unfortunately, it wasn't, and things got quiet on the planning front for a while.

 

It seems he may have turned to a greater power to get us into outer space. I asked him what he was going to wish for when he blows out his birthday candles this weekend, and he responded, without hesitation, "I will wish for our house to turn into a rocket."

the way we present ourselves

My sister, who is the amazing mom of my beautiful two-year-old niece, recently told me about a discussion she had as part of her MOPs group. The message was that the way we represent ourselves and our lives to other moms has an impact on them, and this impact can be positive or negative. For example, have you ever gone to someone's house for a playdate and found it sparkling clean? If you're like me, you probably progress through amazement, disbelief, resignation, and then end up at inadequacy. Because my house is very rarely sparkling, and how does this mom do it, anyway???

So the idea is, be conscious of the image you present to your other mom friends, and try to be as real as possible. Maybe this means that you don't clean your house before your mom friends come over, because their house is most likely not clean, and seeing that yours is might make them feel like they're not doing enough. That is not the message any of us moms needs to hear. Let them see the real you, including the tantrums, the messy bed-head, the dusty piano, and the coupons your child has spent all week cutting and that are now all over the living room floor. Show them poop hanging from the ceiling, if you want. Let them see that you are not perfect, but that you are happy.

It's definitely a challenge for me to not clean before guests arrive. But with this message in mind, I've been ignoring the dusting and leaving some toys out on the floor when I know a mom is coming over. I've also been trying to keep in check the urge to make it seem like I'm on top of everything. Because I'm not, and no one else is either. And trying to pretend otherwise is not helpful to anyone.

finding your alloparents

I recently read the book Overwhelmed: Work, Love, and Play When No One Has the Time (Brigid Schulte, 2014), in which the author discusses the question of whether it makes sense for mothers to work. As a working mom, I've often thought it would make a lot more sense for me to be at home, taking a nap when my son napped, keeping up with the housework, and preparing dinner during the day instead of during the crazy 5:00 pm scramble.

Is it just natural for mothers to not work outside the home, in favor of caring for children? In the book, Brigid Schulte explores this question with Sarah Blaffer Hrdy, evolutionary anthropologist and professor emeritus at University of California, Davis.

Hrdy studied a hunter-gatherer tribe in Kalahari Desert in Africa and found that women often worked, either taking their children with them while gathering food, or leaving them at home with alloparents - fathers, older siblings, grandparents, relatives, and other trusted, nurturing adults. Based on these observations, Hrdy concluded that "it's natural for mothers to work. It's natural for mothers to take care of their children... What's unnatural is for mothers to be the sole caretaker of children. What's unnatural is not to have more support for mothers." This applies both to mothers who work outside the home and those who stay home. 

"Women are just as prone as other apes to worry about the well-being of new babies. But what hunter-gatherer mothers do not do postpartum is refuse to let anyone else come near or hold their baby. This is an important difference... Babies are never left alone and are constantly held by someone, but that someone is not invariably the mother" (Sarah Blaffer Hrdy, Mothers and Others).

This discussion resonates with me. The issue is not that mothers shouldn't work, but that working parents have a lot on their plates and not enough support. Similarly, mothers shouldn't be expected to be the sole childcare provider. Incorporating alloparents into our families can help. 

Alloparents can be used to care for children while parents are working or to give parents a break outside of working hours. For the rest of this discussion, I'm going to focus on using alloparents during non-working hours or for stay-at-home parents, because that's what I find most challenging. 

I see the process of incorporating alloparents into our lives as consisting of three steps:

1. Decide what level of support you need. Maybe you need a couple of hours to yourself once a week, or to go on a weekly date with your spouse. Maybe you need someone to watch the kids while you make dinner. Only you know what you need.
2. Identify potential alloparents. It can be a challenge to identify suitable, available alloparents. Here are some potential options to consider:
• Grandparents 
• Older siblings
• Non-immediate relatives, such as aunts, uncles, and cousins
• Teenagers who live in your neighborhood
• Church members - our church has a group of seniors who offer babysitting support to families with young children
• Childcare at the gym or church - take advantage of these services to give yourself a short break
• Other moms - arrange a kid swap once a week and alternate weeks so you each get a break
• Fathers - Many fathers are already highly engaged in the care of their children, but it might still be possible for your husband to watch the kids while you go out by yourself for an hour to recharge
3. Let go. When my son was young, I was very reluctant to let anyone I didn't know watch him. Some mothers even have trouble trusting their husbands to take care of their children. But in order for alloparents to effectively relieve the burden of parents, we have to let go and trust that our children will be ok. Because they will. My husband and I have a 14-year-old neighbor who watches our son every other week so we can go out to dinner together, and she does a great job. She even washes the dishes (!!!).

So here is my challenge to you: find some alloparents and put them to use!