a toddler's guide to etiquette

Toddlers really know how to handle social situations. I often think I should apply some of his social responses to my own life. Here are some helpful tips I've gleaned from observing my son.

At Work
Boss tells you to do something you don't want to? Fall down on the floor and throw a big tantrum.

At Work (Part 2)
Boss won't let you help on that awesome new project? Crying usually helps. If that is not immediately effective, proceed to pouting, throwing things, and hitting, preferably in that order.

If You Don't Like Someone
Tell them. No need to be delicate about it. A simple "I don't like you" gets the point across. Screaming and running from them every time they come near adds emphasis.

If You Love Someone
Tell them. Whenever the thought crosses your mind.

In the Grocery Store
Like the music playing in Whole Foods? Announce loudly that you love this song, and then break out your best elbow-pumping, booty-shaking moves right there in the aisle.

When Socializing with Others
You're at a social event, and your acquaintance is annoying you? Simply announce that you're ready to go to the grocery store. You don't even have to say goodbye.

While Eating
Love your dinner? Go ahead, eat with your fingers and smear it on your face. And the clothes of the person sitting next to you, if you can reach them.

While Eating (Part 2) Hate your dinner? Feel free to grimace, gag, shudder, and tell the cook you don't like the food. Then deposit the offensive and partially chewed food on your plate, the table, or, preferably, into someone's hand.

Mr. Etiquette